so if i end up in UC's SLP masters program,

ryan & i will move in together.

big news.

i'm screaming i love you so but my thoughts you can't decode.

dude this summer is so lame!

my summer classes are kicking my ass

i'm flat broke and need 4gs for school by sept.

the fourth did rule!

i saw an AWESOME reds game.

i still miss my baby a.rosales.

set off too many fireworks

and hung out with a lot of sweet people.

next week:

harry potter premier!

copeland!

katie lake!

yah!

Drive onto Me.

hanging out with kids is amazing.

i can't wait until its my profession. 

having a degree and still doing nothing is not amazing.

hit the lights covered my absolute favorite Elliott song!

i'm just impressed someone in the world listens to Elliott

(other than my lover boy & me!)

right now I'm in love with:

+the hangover because I am a bro

+ my new, blue DSi

+animal crossing wild world! 

NEWS FLASH:

I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED ANYTIME SOON...

so please stop asking.

please come home.

i feel like fighting with everyone right now. i called my sister a bitch four times on the way home from the airport today and i already want to punch ryan in the throat and i haven't even seen him yet.

moving on, my two summer classes cost me 2gs! I found out this week that my leveling classes are offered 3 per quarter so I have to go from Summer-Spring without being a full time student (ie no health insurance) and since leveling courses aren't "degree seeking" I do not qualify for ANY finical aid. Cool party. 

On the GRE front, I bought two study books and just need to schedule a test to motivate me to crack their spines. 

Florida was nice, well... it was cheap and I got to chillax with my family. I took a three hour nap when I got home today. I napped almost everyday I was down there. The beach wears a girl out. I also got sun poisoning. That is not an exaggeration either. I hurled because of it and i still have this HUGE blister on my back... skin cancer is probably in my near future.

I need to find a big kid, or at the very least a bigger kid job soon. I'm starting to resent the squirrel. I have being a college grad working at a restaurant... yeah, I have a B.S. and work for 3.65 an hour. 

anyway, a short list of sweet things in my life:

+"extremely loud & incredibly close" by Jonathan Safran Foer

+true blood & weeds new season.

+the genius program on my ipod.

ugh my room will never be clean again. some one come take half of my wardrobe. 

i think i want an anchor tattoo when jesse starts up again.

how original. 

i'm so crafty these days.

if you want a feathered barrette, call me!

new moon.

life post graduation is sort of depressing. i haven't applied for any jobs since i start summer school in July, but I started looking in to volunteering at Children's, which would be awesome, I just have to jump through a lot of hoop in order to do so. I think it will be worth it, so I'm going to attempt it.

Last summer at this time I had two jobs and worked a TON, but this summer so far I've really just sat on my bed and downloaded music and played Vortex on my ipod. I need some sort of pressure to feel normal. I just feel so worthless with all this free time. 

I think it's about time I move out. I know it will break my dad's heart, but I really don't know how much longer I can keep up this facade that I'm some 17 year old. I want to decorate my own place and I want to hang out in my underpants without getting yelled at.

I'm getting weirdly antsy about getting married. My logical side keeps winning out. I'm too young. I'm too naive. and Ryan isn't ready. I just really want to live with him, but I'm nervous if I agree to move in with him there will be no motivation to get married. 

Ugh. I need to start going out... this is ridiculous. 

750.

So as of today I am a graduate of Northern Kentucky University.

it's weird typing that. I care barely believe that I have spent four years in college. I've worked so hard and really cannot believe that I graduated on time. I started school aimless and as much  as I enjoyed the comfort of Raymond Walters, I think that choosing NKU was one of the best things I have ever done. Although my parents have always been super supportive and I cannot even begin to explain how grateful I am to them, they basically cut off my college funding after my associates and really didn't do much as far as guiding me about what to do next. I knew I couldn't afford to continue at UC, go to Xavier or Miami, but NKU was something I hoped I could manage. And after some 40+ hour work weeks, weekends of babysitting, being 22 and still living at home, I'm so proud to say that I financed these last two years of school, books, supplies, parking passes and graduation expenses all without ever taking out a loan. Not to toot my own horn, but I'm just really grateful I was able to do all this without too much help. 

I tried all day to keep it together, but my eyes were misted for most of the day. As I was sitting waiting to get my diploma I just kept thinking about what I huge accomplishment and stepping stone this is. My parents hugged me and told me how proud they were all day. And they were just glowing, which felt really nice. I even held it together when I received a card from my great Aunt in New York which ended: "I know your grandma would be so proud", but when I came home tonight I had a final unopened card on my dresser. It was from my  mom and dad and as I read it, I just couldn't hold it back any longer. I know I'm continuing on with my education and that anymore EVERYONE gets a college degree, but really it is a lot of work and a big risk. I just want to thank everyone who has been in my life for the past four years. I feel like I've grown so much and am so grateful for everyone in my life. Today I feel truly blessed. To be honest, it's one if not the happiest day of my life.

B.

 Leighton Meester can actually kind of sing. weird.

life is pretty good right now.

i guess i'll never be too old for pop punk.

what a sweet birthday weekend.

101

for my birthday, ryan got me a 120 gb ipod with "Lauren Gray You Are My Sunshine" engraved on the back.

<3

rounding third...

susie sent me a link to this!

sweet red knees, lg.

yes, please.

gryffindor!

sun rays & happy days

i love spring so much. i love wearing dresses without leggings and sandals and sunshine.

the next few weeks are so exciting: 

i'm off saturday and sunday this weeked! on sunday we're going to a reds game!

this is my last week of class! I'm already finished with my cog. lab and know i got an 96 in the class.

american politics just has a final left, which is whatever.

assessment just has an open book open notes online final.

io just has a paper and an open book final.

death dying and grief has an online final.

alcoholism has 2 more quizzes and an online final.

thursday katie is having a "rave" i guess for my birthday.

friday is my actual birthday, which i have to entire day off! no class, no work!

sunday i'm going to cbus with sav to see NFG!

then the following saturday i graduate and have my graduation party!

life is so good right now.

SUPdate:

graduation is right around the corner now(may 9th). I'm so nervous and excited! i'm having a grad party later that day, but it's not a big deal since I'll be starting at UC this summer, so I'm not really finished with school.

i need a new phone, any suggestions? I'm sticking with verizon and do not want a blackberry. 

ry is talking about buying a condo! he wants me to move in, which would be super exciting because it would be super class to my house and still be my own place and my half of the rent would be super manageable, however I set up this rule where I won't move out with him until we're engaged... so so much for that idea. Oh well, I'll help decorate and spend a lot of time there if it actually happens.

i don't care what anyone says mewithoutyou is amazing. Every release is so original and fresh and well crafted. speaking of music, I miss my loves tonight because I had to work for John. Boo. I like managing at work though, its more laid back and I make really good money. 

i'm dogsitting this weekend. does that make anyone else laugh?

idk if chicago is happening now. Idk if I even care really. Isn't that bad? I'm a little hermit anymore. I only go out to pick up hygiene products from target and take pictures by myself. Sad thing is that I am content with that. I do see Katie from time to time, which I love. I'm so very happy for her new chapter in life. 

big love is my new series of interest. i wish netflix would make it available for online viewing so i didn't have to watch the poor quality videos online. 

sav & i are going to columbus for a show. I'm really excited to spend time with her again. I've missed her friendship.

oh it's almost my birthday, but I don't really want to be 22, so let's just act like it isn't going to happen. k?thanks.

ew. the girl who sat next to me in Cognitive Lab smelled like old weed and body oder. It made me want to barf.

I have so much work to do in all of my classes and graduation stuff and leveling stuff at UC to worry about, but I'm actually not stressed. Cool.

I just want to quit my job and just take pictures all day long. It's all I think about lately. 

There might be something wrong with me, nothing ever sounds tasty anymore and I can only drink water... I'll start to drink soda and get grossed out and stop. Weird.

I took this yoga class last week and I think I want to continue. It was super relaxing, yet I felt it the next day like other fitness classes I've taken. Sweet.

in case anyone cares i started a photo journal: laurengrayphotos.blogspot.com

it's cute. cmmntz plz.

hope all is well!

babyblue.

It's a faster, growing green
Flows through these leaves
I have, I try, I guess we'll be alright
Way to try, I got a line
For you from me, better nice
A beautiful, baby blue,
Sky that's looking up at you
Now watch it fade away
But it's okay
We'll come around
With nights like this are never ending
I try so hard to make this perfect
You and I somehow
We can't see eye to eye together
We always knew that you worked better
I know you want it all
And you got me
Sorry I never was everything you ever dreamed
But kept at bay, for just in case that day
But it's okay
We'll come around
With nights like this are never ending
I try so hard to make this perfect
You and I somehow.We can't see eye to eye together

We always knew that you worked better
I don't want you to love me anymore
With my bags packed and ready to go
And nothing's ever hurt so much for me
To let you go, than to let you go.

I'll never forget the nights spent as "Cinci's Best Dancers". I'll always miss who we were back then... you know i'm gonna give up...

hipsterorgay.tumblr.com

so many awkward lols.

happy st. erin's day.

so I got my new canon which is the love of my life! I have a wide angle and a fisheye lens attachment in the mail which should be here tomorrow! success! I'm hanging out with Katie on Friday to take her picture in the park because the weather is amazing lately and flowers are starting to bloom and I'm getting so happy and upbeat I can barely stand it. 

I have about a month and a half of undergraduate left! I'm only not doing to so hot in my American Politics class because I kind of hate it.

NKU's wireless internet is a joke. 

I've been having some actually enjoyable weekend evenings lately which is super shocking. Things are better now that I don't have any stake in what situations arise and sometimes I actually prefer being the lone girl. 

I got my hair cut and colored and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it. It's red and short and amazing and I'd post a picture, but this wireless connection won't let me. Ugh.

It weirds me out that people actually own green pants. I'm not sure why...

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.

NEW OBSESSION:

so last week i was introduced to the most amazing comedy HBO has ever come up with and I kind of wish the entire first season was available right now, instead of only 4 episodes. I love you danny mcbride!

1143.00

so my tax return is huge and will allow me to buy this:

YAY!

So one of my pictures is being published on a website! 

This picture I took while in New York will be on this travel site! 

I'm pretty excited.

PMW.

so i just realized that as of friday I have an entire week off of school! I am ridiculously happy about this!

i am also off work from now until sunday morning and this week is going to busy and fantastic.

Thursday night I'm seeing Watchmen at midnight, Friday Ryan has the day of so we're hanging out and going to the Backshieder birthday bash (alliteration!). Saturday I have lil Ryan's 12th birthday party and then I'm eating pizza and watching stand up with Sebby and on Sunday after work I'll be chillaxin with Ryan and possibly seeing the Dali exhibit in Dayton. I'm pumped.

never better.

"a lot of my friends shake when they don't drink... all of my friends wheeze in their sleep... all of my friends think green, but afford to live it, can't ignore the cynics, can't explore the gimmicks, can't report the dividends. limited only by the need to stay fed and given up is like latin, its dead. it don't happen don't even cross their head, trapped in our own web, but its our bed."

current obsession:

boxer  briefs for girls:

you are mine.

i'm WILL read watchmen before 3/06.

sometimes working 11 hour shifts is okay... today was not one of those days.

i'm ordering new specs, ones that actually fit my head.

rsm is the loml.

i miss my ipod terribly...

trust the sweat not the face it's on.

sorry in advance for how all over the place this post will be,

bare with me:

So I've been watching a crap-ton of movies and tv lately, I know how exciting, but some people did suggest some awesome and addicting jems:

Jake suggested I watch this documentary "Standard Operating Procedure", which was all about an American Military Prison in Iraq where a lot of inhumane and degrading "interrogation" methods were used.  This movie just re-affirmed my new understanding that all humans are inherently evil and that we must actively make conscious choices not to be complete monsters. It's disgusting how a lot of people are able to go on and turn a blind eye to one another. How could you treat someone like they were worthless and still sleep at night? I know they say "War is hell", but aren't we supposed to be some sort of nation that at least pretends to care about human rights? 

We had a pretty interesting conversation about this in my Death, Dying, Grief class regarding how "well-adjusted" nazi soldiers and suicide bombers usually behave... but what does it mean when you are well adjusted to a despicable society (which includes our own society)... I feel jaded sometimes, but I hope I never get to the point where I'm numb to wanting to help others.

Oddly enough, Seb suggested I check out this TV series, Jekyll, which is amazing and ties into this idea of being inherently evil... I haven't finished the first season yet, but it's my goal for this week. It seriously is an amazing show so far and is available on netflix watch instantly, so check it out.

Now on to my personal suggestion to those who need a break from all my negative nancy posts: Lonely Island's "Incredibad" came out this week and it's stellar. I might be a little biased do to my love for the Andy Samburg & little Jorma, but I pretty much laugh my ass off alone in my car everyday because of it and find some new ridiculous lyric every time I listen to it. Casey showed me and Ryan the video for "I'm on a Boat (feat. T-Pain)" (seriously!) on Sunday night and made me love that song even more. I'm sure I'm like the only person who enjoys it this much, but whatever.

other than that, life is oddly working it's self out. I decided to attempt to build bridges in contrast to my normal attempts at burning them, maybe even start construction on some that I've burnt in the past. 

k + j & l + r

it makes me so happy that every weekend lately is a giant lovely double date. :]

come now sleep.

If I make it to heaven I may be as bloody as hell.
Would you still take me?
I'm afraid that you might say, "depart from me, I never knew you."

I'm in the wrong body. I'm in the wrong body. I'm in the wrong body.
I must have stumbled in.

All the love I want to give gets caught between every rib.
What does that make me?
I have good intentions, but no exit for them to come out right through.

moar lawls.

death broz.

my moms turned 50 yesterday, she's still a milf. hahah. Seriously, I hope I got all my aging genes from her.

kev is back in school, well, cinci state. lawls.

erin almost died sunday night, apparently. her breathing situation is really weird... for this i am glad that ohio basically criminalized smoking.

some punk kid stole ryan's phone at his gym. it's lame. word to the wise: stealing verizon phones is pointless unless you just like to fuck someone's day up, in that case, mission accomplished.

i think i might join ryan's gym when PHE 108 is over... only i'm leaving my shit in my car.

i'm back into "heavier music"... weird.

i volunteered to be a counseling Guinea Pig and start next weds., I know the PERFECT subject to talk about with her. I need an outsiders opinion anyway...

I really need to do my taxes, so I can irresponsibly buy a new ipod & camera with my moola.

oh yeah and I got the best/cutest new ever today, but i can't very well post it here. 

what i learned this weekend:

1. conditioning always beats heart & raw talent.

2. maturity does not coincide with aging. so don't confuse the two.

3. the "self-fulfilling prophecy" is no joke.

4. somethings are out of my hands, but that doesn't make it any less painful to watch.

alright still.

i really don't care if people think she sucks, lily allen is a babe.

i wish i lived in "LDN", because they seem to have waaay better clothing options.

An Adventure too Weird for Words.

let's go see this: IN 3D!

130

sometimes i'm just really good at my job. or should i say, sometimes i'm just really good at pretending to be a nice person.

hello shitty.

so today was the first day of free work outs in gym and at first things were just as awkward as normal, you know because I do not belong within a ten mile radius of a gym, but then I went in to the weight room because we're supposed to do that stuff and as I'm attempting to work the machines, this weird older man is just sitting there. not working out. not doing anything, but staring at everyone, including me. It creeped me the fuck out. So I just left. WTF is some old dude doing lurking in a COLLEGE gym!? It just reiterates my theory that middle age and older dudes are the scariest creatures on the face of the planet.

sometimes i can't tell if i actually like certain bands or if i just listen to them because i liked who/where i was when i first heard them. 

I love Wednesdays, I only have conditioning from 9-10 and then the rest of the day I get to catch up on everything I put on the back burner all week. Today I have about 6 loads of laundry to do and A LOT of reading for class. I don't feel like leaving the house, so I'm also going to watch all my DVR-ed shows instead of going to the bank and what not. 

Money still sucks, but I'm avoiding that until my credit card payment is due. 

I'm pretty much done with almost all of shit talking. I've decided it's really not worth it at the age of 21 (almost 22) to do all this backbiting or whatever. So basically if I have issues with people or don't like how they've treated me, my goal is to either address the issue with them or just be real and stop hanging out with them. HOWEVER, I still think that some actions just cannot be reconciled with words. And some people are never going to change and that just has to be accepted. For some reason I can handle it when people do scummy stuff if they are upfront about being scumbags, but when people continue to do scummy things and still try to act like they are stand up people annoys the shit out of me. Haha I guess that I really need to work on the shit talking... haha.

Anyway, I'm going to devote my full attention to my favorite show: Intervention!

you're so content and all I want is more

so i sold all but one book I put on half.com this week earning me a cool 250$. So that will make up for half of what I spent on my books, so that is awesome. I'm babysitting tomorrow night for the Lampes and I'm spending the night at my Aunt's house on Sunday night and hanging out with my cousins who don't need a babysitter, but can't stay over night by themselves. I'm pumped. They are sweet & have a wii. 

My gym class seriously had my sore for two days. If I could stop eating so much or at least starting eating foods that weren't some sort of pizza product, I might be able to fit in my clothes again. You know, zip my dresses and button my shirts. 

So I think I can handle this semester and I'm pretty pumped about all my classes. I just need to bring snacks and bundle up. I also need a pepper spray or something because walking to my car at 9 at night alone scares the shpoopy out of me. I wish all of my books would get here already! I would possibly read them tonight, since I am insanely bored. Ugh. 

I hung out with Erin this week. I miss my sissy poo and love her dearly. She seriously is an amazing person. I'm so blessed to have someone like here to look up to. Kevin is still 'livin the dream' which means not going to school, not working, not coming home ect. No matter what, I'm always jealous of how easy that kid's life is. I accidently backed into his car today. Heh, I suck at driving. I wish I could just quit driving. I think drinking would only be cool if I got so drunk so often that no one let me drive ever. I fucking hate driving. Boo.

Winter always makes me a whiney, two-faced, brat. I hate the cold & the dark. Ughhhhhh.

negative nancy:

back to school:

I'm completely dry. i've spent nearly $400!!! on books and that was even going with the cheapest possible books on half.com and amazon.com. Not to mention the 3,626 i spent on tuition. I had to put it all on a credit card because I don't even have that much in the bank... Ugh. Stress. So basically: work work work. babysit. figure out how to pass seven classes and somehow stay out of debt. i hate money.

I did put my text books from last semester on half.com... so maybe I'll get some dough, I'm even selling the books I wanted to keep because they were interesting. Oh well. I might need to put more stuff up too, DVDs, clothes, shoes, ect. Shit. I've never been this broke.

To top it off, I have to get gym clothes for my one credit hour class because I have none and it's winter so I can't wear gym shorts around campus. Fuck. 

I might just have to stop eating, cut off my beloved netflix and pray my tax return is a couple grand (LOL!), so I can pay for all my graduation stuff.

Seriously, this shit sucks.

so this is the new year...

and so it begins, 2009. I'm pretty indifferent about 2008. It was better than the dreadful mess that was 2007, but still nothing special. I don't have too high of hopes for 2009, I know I will for sure earn my Bachelors of Science, which the more I think about the more proud I become. I have been able to complete four years of college completely debt free. I worked my ass off, more so than any of my peers, not to toot my own horn, but seriously I feel incredible that I was able to maintain a 3.5 gpa, never drop a class, get only ONE C AND pay off my schooling as I went (with just a serving job). I paid for all my own books, paid for my parking passes, my gas, my food, ect. That is why I don't believe it when people say that they "can't" afford college. 

When I was a senior my parents basically bribed me/gave me an ultimatum: go to school, get a new car, no school, welcome to 40 hr work week and bills. So basically I chose to go to school to make my parents happy, but after my second year of college my parents cut me off (as far as paying for school went) and I realized that I was doing all of this work for ME and no one else. So I picked up hours at work, babysat and generally worked and saved money and studied when I could. And now on May 9th 2009, I will be handed a diploma and I'll probably cry and I know that I cannot explain to anyone how amazing it will feel. I nearly cried just paying off my bill for this semester. I've worked to hard and even though it doesn't end with my bachelors, it already feels pretty damn good.

oh yeah and the holidays were okay, i don't really care about them anymore, but whatever.

current loves: